It's Too Perilous
by WargishBoromirFan
Summary: Toboe has questions. Tsume and Hige have answers, if not necessarily the ones that the runt wants to hear about mpreg, feminism, and the care and feeding of strange she-wolves. Will the pack survive a double serving of too much information?
1. Chew on This

_Toboe's got questions. Unfortunately, he's got Tsume and Hige to answer them. Will the two elder wolves stop drooling over gorgeous strangers long enough to drop some knowledge, or will Toboe remain miseducated on feminism, male pregnancy, and the care and feeding of mysterious she-wolves? Knowing Hige and Tsume, it can only get worse..._

A/N: Not my wolves. Not my Python quote. And if you recognize the original rant that Tsume pays homage to, I don't own that, either. Just a gentle two-part poke at some of the conventions in Suefics and bad slash. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good girl power fic as much as I love a well-written slash fic. I just can't stand it when gender-bashing or character vilification seems to be the only way to achieve this.

* * *

"You think I'm just a girl, don't you? Men are all the same when they can't get their way!" Oh, those were fighting words. Someone was going down.

When the flying fur finally settled, there was a clear victor in the battle between the scarred gray and the beautiful, mysterious female of uncertain but surely tragic origins. The conqueror stood above the defeated party, snapping jaws at the loser's throat.

"I would never put you down just because you're a girl. If we have to generalize, I like girls. I like their intuitive natures, their maternal instincts, and I especially like what they've done for equal rights. No, you see, the thing here is that you're trying to steal away my pack members!"

"You're more than welcome to join us." The she-wolf beneath Tsume switched to her pretty young human illusion, smiling seductively up at the gray wolf.

He was somewhat less than impressed. "I'm sure I should be honored, but no. I got places to go, and I need them - undistracted - to get there." _Besides, _the gray added to himself, _Blue and Cheza'd kill me if I caught up only to be pulling a bunch of hotheaded idiots in my wake who are too touchy about their feminine honor to take reasonable precautions as simple precautions and not as insults. Kiba gives us enough of that as is. _"Now, let my associates go, and I won't send you back to yours in pieces." Tsume remained a wolf, snarling over her.

"Fine," his captive sighed, signaling to her equally pretty companions to send over the other three males. Toboe ran back to Tsume quickly enough, but Kiba's steps were hesitant and Hige had to literally be dragged away from his "kidnappers."

"Gorgeous women, Tsume! Cute girls! Smoking hot chicks! All desperate for some big wolf loving! How are you still not getting this?" the reluctant brown finally managed something resembling a complete sentence once Tsume had towed him by the collar for what felt like half a mile, Hige's gaze still lingering on the retreating females. "Come on, guys, back me up!" the heavy brown appealed to Kiba and Toboe, seeing that he was getting nowhere with the cold-eyed lean gray.

"They were women. And they were beautiful," Kiba allowed, his eyes on his feet.

"Not paradise," Tsume reminded him, finally letting go of Hige's collar. The white wolf nodded, although he still wasn't speeding up.

"Besides, one of them said she wanted to eat me," Toboe murmured, shifting uncomfortably. Even the smallest wolf glanced back uncertainly, as if not sure whether he'd rather face the pretty "cannibals" than Tsume's unrelenting pace towards paradise.

Hige smirked knowingly. "Runt, do you have any clue what oral sex is?"

"Er, isn't that when you talk dirty to somebody?" Toboe scratched at the back of his head, looking away with a blush.

"There's usually not much talking involved," Hige informed the youngest member of the pack with an evil grin. "You are so easy to corrupt!" The brown wolf laughed as Toboe thought about this, flushing even brighter. "So why aren't we corrupting him further?" Hige complained.

"Yeah," Toboe added breathlessly as the red slowly faded from his face. "I think I wouldn't mind being corrupted."

Tsume didn't answer, but shot the auburn-haired boy an annoyed look before picking up the pace even further. At least Kiba had stopped complaining and started walking. The white wolf was nearly keeping up with their irritated would-be savior now, their steps sure and speeding through the snow.

"I should've guessed you were gay," Hige muttered, grimacing in the gray wolf's direction before rolling his eyes and jogging to catch up.

"What a shame. You're not my type," Tsume drawled dryly. "You don't know why they were missing their males."

"Doesn't mean you have to ruin everyone else's fun," the brown countered rebelliously.

"Do I need to tell you why I had to, then? One: Cheza. Two: Blue. Three: Quent and his gun. Four: you shouldn't eat that, you don't know where it's been." Tsume ticked off the reasons on his fingers as they walked.

"Is it really all that much different from how we met Blue or Cheza?" Toboe asked reasonably.

"Maybe not from how Porky met his girlfriend," Tsume grumbled, rubbing his arm in memory of his own introduction to Blue. At least she had fought Tsume simply for being a threat and not for being different than her, even if neither of them had realized just how similar they were at the time. "But any pack of females that think everything in pants that passes by wants them is not a group I want to deal with. Blue and Cheza proved themselves, eventually. Those girls proved what they were, too."

"Oh, come on, don't be such a prude. It's just instinct that draws 'em to us." Hige shrugged. The golden-brown certainly had his share of that type of instinct, in Tsume's opinion.

"I don't care if they screwed you until Cheza put them to sleep and Blue ripped their throats out. If they want to be treated 'as well as any man' and then turn around and say that all men are pigs useful only for breeding, I'll treat them as well as any pig." The leather-clad gray rolled his eyes. "How did they expect me to treat _anyone _I don't know?" Tsume muttered, still angry at the strange pack's double-standards masquerading as "feminism."

"With respect," Kiba said firmly for all the softness to his voice.

"Yeah, I'll stick to giving what I get." The lean gray waved him off and avoided Toboe's questioning gaze as the runt hurried up behind him.

"Fair enough, though I still think we oughta have given them more of a chance," Hige allowed grudgingly under Kiba's stare. Figuring that was as close to a "thank you" as he was likely to get, Tsume dropped back and let Kiba set the pace for a while.

"Hey, Tsume?" Toboe asked him quietly, walking at the older wolf's side.

"Hmm?"

"What is your 'type,' anyway?"

Tsume smiled. "Short redheads." He quickened his steps, leaving the runt to chew on that a moment.


	2. Just a Little Bit of Peril?

A/N: Ahem...

_Her name is Be Two Doubleyou Em, She likes to oogle men, But she doesn't own Wolf's Rain... (That's Bones's) When filking she's got no shame... _

I don't own the rights to Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Spamalot, either, though I hear that like Paradise, it's verra nice.

* * *

The gray stepped between the strange pack of well-muscled, roguish-looking males and the young women that had become part of his pack. "If you want our girls, you're going to have to take me, too."

"It's okay, Tsume, I got this," Blue told him shortly. The scarred male didn't back off.

"I'm sure you do." Tsume smirked. "But I'm not letting you have all the fun."

"What, you offering entertainment between the ladies?" The opposing alpha looked the dark male wolf over consideringly.

The tall, lean gray seemed to bask in the attention, studying him right back. "Oh, you try me and you may just forget about the girls."

Cheza walked around Blue, making contact with the black female as she passed before putting a hand to Tsume's shoulder. "This one does not think that would be wise," the flower maiden said softly, coming as close to a worried tone as he'd ever heard from her.

The gray maneuvered out of her reach. "I'll leave you a couple, if you want them," he promised flippantly.

"This isn't like you, Tsume," Toboe muttered, looking unsure as to whether he liked the change. The other two members of the pack stepped forward with Blue, moving protectively around Toboe and Cheza and ready to deliver an ass-whooping, if necessary.

"To paraphrase the words of wisdom someone once told me: hot guys, Toboe. Serious hunks. All desperate for some big wolf loving. How are you not getting this?" Tsume stood firm, smirking a little as Hige tripped over his own thoughts.

"You might want to try the pack north of here," Kiba directed the equally bemused strangers absently. "They're all female and looking for mates."

Their spokesman looked at Blue again, taking in her bared fangs and muscles and the way Hige unconsciously deferred to her. "You know… that… might not be a bad idea."

"Very wise." Cheza nodded with a smile.

"So what happened to the idea of giving new wolves a chance? Look, just because you lot may be practically married doesn't mean you have to spoil the single man's fun," Tsume grumbled, watching the pack of males take off.

Toboe attached himself to the older wolf's heel once more. "Yes. Yes, it does." The redhead looked as if he wanted to make contact, but a cold glare from the gray left him awkwardly crossing his arms instead.

"This one is glad that you did not kill any of them," Cheza remarked to the youngest wolf. She sounded dead serious, and Tsume was reminded once more how much the fragile-looking blind flower maiden could do with her voice alone.

The runt rubbed his head, obviously uncomfortable with the praise. "I just didn't want them to feel your wrath, is all." The others looked at the two gentlest members of the pack reconsideringly, none more so than Tsume. When Toboe started forward, Tsume didn't attempt to outpace him, for once.

"Kiba, friendly reminder: don't piss her off." Hige walked with Blue between him and the flower maiden. The black she-wolf shook her head at her mate with a good-natured eyeroll, but the white wolf nodded gravely, Cheza's hand in his.

"Why'd you take those guys on, Tsume? Aren't you afraid that one of them might - you know…" Toboe dropped his gaze to his hands, too embarrassed to continue.

"What? Turn me over and ravish me? Frankly, I get enough pheromones floating around from this group of lovebirds that I wouldn't mind a little fulfillment for once." Toboe flushed even deeper at this, desperately motioning for the gray to hold back so that they could finish the conversation without the others overhearing. Grudgingly, Tsume did so. He wasn't sure how he'd fallen into the role of the runt's mentor, and the scarred wolf wasn't sure he liked it.

"But… What if you… What if one of them got you pregnant?" the youngster finished in a stuttering whisper. The gray male laughed.

"Do you see anything on me that resembles a womb or a vagina?" Tsume motioned to his tight, low-cut pants.

"No?" Toboe squeaked uncertainly.

"Look closer and you won't find any eggs, either. I don't go into heat because sperm is always in production. I'm ready whenever my mate is. Not that I intend to breed anytime soon, but I could if I wanted to. You, kid, sometimes I wonder about, but it's probably just a lack of brains." All right, Tsume enjoyed this part. The redheaded runt skittered around him, just out of reach for a teasing flick upon the temple.

"I do have brains," Toboe protested. "And… everything else that guys normally have. I think. Not that I've been oogling other guys to compare." Aw, the boy was cute when he was all virginally huffy and shamefully ignorant.

"Oogling?" the gray repeated disbelievingly, raising a pale eyebrow. The runt immediately looked away.

"I do not stare at you when you run in front of me," the auburn wolf insisted, his eyes firmly forward. "Even if you do have a really nice butt," he whispered guiltily, feeling Tsume's continued stare.

The lean gray smiled, bringing himself in front of Toboe as they continued to walk. "Do you want a comparison?" Tsume asked before he could second-guess himself.

"Oh god yes." The phrase came out in one relieved breath, and Tsume found himself with a double armful of runt. The gray wolf could get used to this teaching thing, especially if Toboe returned the favor.

"So neither of us could end up pregnant from this?" the runt asked sometime later.

"Nope."

"Dang. I kind of wondered what our kids would look like." Damn those big brown eyes. They almost made Tsume wonder, too.

"Remind me to tell you a little about gene splicing and surrogate pregnancies sometime…" a familliar voice intruded, followed shortly after by the accompanying smirking fat golden-brown muzzle. Blue whistled appreciatively. That was it. Hige was a dead man.


	3. Get to the Bottom of This

A/N: It's not quite dead yet, but it's still not mine. I'm surprised that this little crackfic has gotten as much attention as it has. Thanks to all your reviews, the dread plotbunny has sunk its big, pointy teeth in me once more, though I can't guarantee that it went in a direction I expected... I blame the Marauders fic I've been reading recently, myself.

* * *

"You ever wondered about them?" the brown wolf asked his mate in an undertone, gesturing with less subtlety than he imagined he had towards the kissing pair following at a somewhat slower pace behind them.

The dark-skinned wolf raised an eyebrow in return, never breaking stride. "What about them?"

"Well, you know… they're not exactly like us, after all. I mean, have you ever wondered how they do it?" As if the connotations of "it" had not been clear enough from his tone, the lighter male added in a hand gesture of a rather intimate nature.

"I don't go asking questions that I really don't want to know the answer to."

"I'm not looking for details; I just wonder about like how they decide who's on top and that sort of thing." He offered as innocent an expression as he could manage.

His mate snorted. "If you have to ask, you don't know them."

"Well, yeah, but you know what they say about the 'girl'…" he trailed off suggestively.

"You see that man?" his bright eyed mate pointed towards the taller member of the couple behind them. "He's the most pussy-whipped male I've ever met, with the exception of Kiba. And don't go giving me that big-brown-eyed stare like that; I know you're up to something."

"You ever been curious about… trying out something similar?"

"What, a threesome?" the dark wolf scoffed. "Introduce me to the guy and I'll consider it."

"I was thinking about with a girl, actually…" This earned him a sharp flick upon the forehead. "I was just asking."

"I'm not into girls."

"And I'm not cheating on you. I just wonder what it's like, sometimes…" the brown-eyed male feebly protested, looking wounded by the practical wave of icy cynicism his dark-clad companion hurled at him.

"They warned me about men like you."

He reached over to kiss his lover, half apologetically. "Seriously, Hige teases me about it often enough that you'd think they don't switch it up that often. It kind of makes me wonder what they do instead that makes it so important."

Tsume accepted the kiss, but shrugged off the explanation.

"So…" Toboe added some time later. "Who do you think tops, Kiba or Cheza?"


End file.
